My roommate. Apparently, her baby daddy bought her a puppy because she had an abortion. Thank GOD I am getting away from here. Bitches are crazy.
Also, the dog is named after Bella from Twilight. Let’s a take a moment to consider the irony here.
“Teacher who made out with a young woman who turned out to be his student on Pretty Little Liars. You know how recent college graduates are always falling madly in love with 16-year-olds and apologizing for how they can’t be together because of their teacher-student relationship and not because SHE IS A CHILD AND THAT’S CREEPY. Clearly, this man is going to be awesome at working with adolescents. (To be fair, Lucy Hale is actually 22. But still.)” (via budsey)
At least he gives her a copy of Winesburg, Ohio? He’s raising her level of literary awareness even while he’s creepily making out with her at homecoming?
First, the author puts forward why the book itself is so insane, making me repeatedly and literally LOL, while simultaneously strengthening my vow to never read a word of that terrible series.
Then, he concludes David Cronenberg should direct, for the c-section by vampire, if for no other reason. (And a werewolf falls in love with a baby? WTF?)
I remember vaguely hearing about all the batshit crazy stuff in that book, but is everything in this article for real? If so, this might result in the most hilarious Rifftrax ever.
Excerpts from article:
“The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.”
“In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It’s like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It’s so horrible it’s brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.”
“I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I’ve seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching - I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died - brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.
A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.”
Yup. It is all there. There’s also this whole sequence where everyone except Bella and Rosalie (her bitchy sister-in-law with an aching womb) think the baby should be aborted, because giving birth to it will definitely kill Bella. So, logically, preggers Bella is all “hell no” and holes up in a bedroom somewhere, and Rosalie stands guard to keep the rest of the cast from forcefully aborting the baby. Bella is basically like “I’m giving birth to this kid, even though it is definitely going to kill me, because it is more important than me.” And everyone else is all “grr, why won’t you abort the baby, we love you and don’t want you to die, and also it is most likely going to be a terrifying freaky monster baby,” and she is like “I don’t care.” It’s definitely the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in a 21st century novel aimed at impressionable teenage girls.
Not going to lie. I’ve read the series. I thought it was a mildly interesting storyline through the first few books… but by the end it was kind of one of those trainwreck situations where you can’t stop reading no matter how absolutely horrible it is. And it is horrible. Absolutely horrible. The first three books aren’t really horribly offensive (aside from the Bella being in a creepy co-dependent relationship with someone a hundred years older than her who also wants to kill her situation). The fourth book, though, is absolutely crazy Tea Party propaganda that predates the Tea Party. The tension between the kinky sex scene that leads to the mutant baby and the “oh, we can’t kill a fetus even if it is literally going go all Absalom and Achitophel on Bella’s ass” is incredibly disturbing.
And yes, John Dryden is probably going to return from the dead and personally kill me for mentioning his fine poem in the same sentence as a Stephenie Meyer novel.
Karen Handel is leading the GOP gubernatorial race, and her lead is being attributed to an endorsement by Sarah Palin. She denies the attacks being made against her by the Deal and Oxendine campaigns, but those attacks are alleging that she supported women’s and gay rights. Which would be a GOOD…
I happened to be in Georgia last week for family reasons, and very very similar thoughts were going through my mind as I saw the barrage of GOP commercials. (The few days I was home, I saw nary a Democratic ad.) I hated everything these politicians were trying to get praise for, and would really have liked this Handel character to stick by her earlier pro-choice, LGBT friendly positions, though of course that would never have happened.
It’s odd, moving to the Northeast after living in the South for so long; there are some very strange and random things I started to miss. (And, of course, I miss my friends and family, and the great places I found around Atlanta and Athens.) I was getting nostalgic a bit about Georgia— which was a strange mental place for me— and got to thinking that maybe I’d try to get an internship in Atlanta next summer or something.
Then I saw all those ads, and immediately remember why I was so desperate to get the hell out of the Bible Belt.
Thanks for snapping me out of my nostalgia, crazy-ass Georgia republicans!
South Carolina is infinitely worse than Georgia. Even the Democratic candidates are scary Tea Party members. In other political news, I saw our crazy governor’s soon-to-be-ex-wife at Publix the other day.
Lynard Skynard vs. Nelly — Sweet Home Country Grammar
This is like everything about the South. All mashed together. Just let it happen.
This is almost as amazing as the Lady Gaga/Ace of Base mash up. (I know. I’m ashamed of that statement. At least I’m not talking about Jenny Humphrey’s band?)
For those who don’t want to read the article, it basically talks about how the word used in regard to homosexuality, toevah, probably means something much closer to “taboo” or “something that other people do all the time, but the Hebrew people shouldn’t.”
I found this interesting because I took Biblical Hebrew for about 3 years at UGA, and I still find it interesting to parse the language and see linguistic patterns in the Torah that almost never carry over to English translations.
The “abomination” mistranslation is an example of one of the reasons I really really dislike the King James translation of the Hebrew Bible.
And this is why my MA thesis is bad ass. Translation is inherently a form of censorship that is used to reinforce the ideas of the dominant culture at the time of translation. Thank you, and good night.
